Doing the information superhighway rounds at the moment is a collection of "funniest analogies", apparently collected from actual high school essays by English teachers, for their own amusement.
Whether true or not, these are so bad as to be good, and funnier than one could possibly write, occasional moment of genius aside, on purpose.
Incidentally, one day I will write about my patented the-day-before-only exam study technique. Passing is guaranteed, but maybe not excellence...
In no particular order:
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
- It grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like clothing in a dryer without Cling Free.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.